Ugh

Ok. No more trying. No more. it's not gonna happen. Not for a long time. I quit.
The worst part is, I can't stop it, drop it or forget it.
I am so scared that someone I'm really close to will get pregnant. Like Jen or something. Don't get me wrong, I know she's wanted a baby since the day she got married but I'm so hung up on what happened to me that I'll HATE her out of jealousy. I'm still hung up on her losing weight. I can't drop my weight. In the gym, 5 days a week and I can't lost a pound. not one. Even if it's something that isn't about gaining muscle. I know that muscle weighs more than fat. But I keep running. Ive been running for almost 4 years. theres no more muscle to gain there, why won't the fat go away.

Im going to Kuwait and I can't wait to get the fuck out of here. I will miss Ken dearly but he knows its something I need to do. I need to get away. 7 babies this year, 3 being relatives, I need to get the fuck out of this state, out of this country. I will hopefully be more...fertile when I get back. I don't want to know if people get pregnant when I go. I don't want to know. If people want me to come back alive, they wont tell me.

My mom wants me to get Facebook back before I go. I logged in today to see whats up. Couple of belly pics, ultrasound pics and my aunt is getting divorced. F that. deactivated that shit again.

Im gonna go to the gym whenever i'm not working when i'm in Kuwait. I want to come home and not be recognizable. Fo real. I want to get to 145. So that's.... 28Lbs

Thats not bad...now that I think of it. Plus Army food makes me shit...a lot haha. So there's the in and out factor there. I will be SMALL when I get back. and I am thinking of a breast reduction. I will save the money I have left over after my bills are paid and I will have my babies and get my boobs chopped...there like...8Lbs a piece and I don't even like them...I want small ones...so I can wear more bathing suits, cute shirts...etc.

So there's that. 28 Lbs, no boobs...I can't wait. I don't want to be me any more... I don't feel good about the way I look. I hate hearing about how great other people look. Ugh ughhhh Im done.