dear diary

Because that's what this is after all. I feel very blah. I kinda wish I was in a place where I could say absolutely anything I wanted but I don't feel like having a paper diary. I don't want to hurt feelings even though I actually don't care, because I don't feel like hearing peoples whining. I just feel like I have a lot to say right now and I would just not want to hear anything back at all. like, He's the one whose really mad, not me. He feels "loved" he says. I can't make him feel any better but now I think the honeymoon will just be the two of us.

I feel like I just need to be fat pregnant already. This not telling people but not really showing (mostly looking like a fatty) thing is like...ugh. though, as of the honeymoon, I'll be 14 weeks!

I'm not the only one. Meh. A little bummed but I'm still happy.

I don't know. It's probably mostly the fact that I'm not allowed to control my hormones or emotions. I cry. I get so angry at the drop of a hat, I'm so irrational now. I'm happy but I'm ________ . Any number of things can go there. I just want the wedding to be over so I can let the cat out of the bag to everyone. I'll start posting belly pics, I'll start posting sonograms...etc. I'm gonna live it up as if it will never happen again because who ultimately knows? No one.

on a baby note: Baby's now the size of a lime!
Your fetus currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through it. But fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds, and nail beds are forming -- setting up a significantly more attractive future.

I looked up my baby stats this morning, fingers and toes are no longer webbed! LOL. also has ears, a working pancreas! and my uterus is the size of a grapefruit which is why i look like poppin' fresh. BELLY AHOY! had to get a maternity bra, and a nursing tank top, very comfortable but not happy with it, not at all, too early, if they get any bigger i don't know what i'll do! A DD is BIG ENOUGH! more later!

So i need to really get back into an exercise regiment. I went swimming today and it was great. I think i'm starting to show. I'm not gaining weight which is good, Ann told me so only gained 23lbs in pregnancy and the norm is 25-35. So i'm hoping that I keep in shape and not gain too much, just what i'm supposed to! Then it won't be so hard to work baby flab back off after. Also, I was reading that if you gain very steadily, stretch marks shouldn't be TOO bad, but i trust that they will mess me up and ruin me. Sigh, last summer in a bikini. But anyway, Ive notice that I'm not really gaining weight, I fluctuate between 155-159, throughout each day and ultimately end up back at 155. The fluctuation is food, beverages (80floz of water a day minimum! UGH) gas (the fact I can't EVER poop and pregnancy doubles it.) Mostly, a lot of retention. BUT, my belly is starting to pop, my clothes fit. Shirts are tight and I had to buy a new bra. (I'm a DD now...:( ) My belly is getting hard, and my boobs are heavy. Still no morning sickness, and starting to pee less at night though a week ago...went....12 times throughout the night...that is far too many! I was so angry!

well, time to go wait till my sister drops off my cell phone! ( I was kinda hoping it was lost so I could get a brandy-new one. Oh well)

*sigh*

So...went shopping with Ann today.

Something is wrong. I don't feel right. I'm WICKED dizzy. I've been spotting lightly too, I keep reading it's normal but it's still very unnerving.

I lost my phone. I sad. :(

Everytime I look at the screen my head feels like someones shaking it. So, time to stop typing. Tomorrow I pick up my marriage license! WIN!

Ok more to do later.

My emotions are all out of whack. Im mad people arent coming to the wedding that I want there and Im sad at the same time. the dogs are making me so angry and I hate being home with them because it makes me insane. i brought my rings to the jewelers today to have them sent out to be polished and cleaned and sized and rhodium plated. I hope that everything goes well with that. i cant wait to wear my diamond wedding band, I love it. It's beautiful, just like my engagement ring. I just want the wedding to be over too so i can out with the being pregnant thing publicly. My grandma already went into baby mode and bought some things.

I have a headache, I have to pee as always, im hungry and I want to nap...

its been a while.

I haven't really been posting. I've come to a stand still in some of my feelings. Though, I've been thinking, I'm not feeling stressed about the wedding. I keep having some insanely weird dreams. I had a dream last night where NO one showed up to my wedding. The reverend was late, no DJ, Only my family was there. Etc. But these aren't the only dreams I've been having. One of the first weird ones was Kens dad putting my child down for a nap...in a dog crate. But it was weird because in the dream putting my kid in a crate..was normal. I think I'm relating my pets as children. My dogs "go to bed" when I put them in the crate. That's what I say, "Go to bed" and they go in their crates. The second dream I can't remember now. Anyway. I get up 5 times a night now. roughly. I get up to pee all those times! I am sick of having to pee all of the time.

I can't remember what I wanna write. Oh well. I guess I'll write more another time.

surreal world

Yesterday was a big day for me. It was my first doc visit. I haven't seen my doc in about 3 years because of the military but i'm gonna be her best friend in the next few months and she will be delivering my baby. Everything is going well and my baby is healthy. I saw the babys heart beating. It was so weird. To think that what i was looking at on the ultrasound screen was inside me. They couldn't look at the baby well through my belly, they had to go ahem...in with a probe. They checked everything, the baby, my ovaries...etc. Everything checked out. My mom came, my little brother and Ken. He says my mom looked like she was gonna cry when she saw the heart beating.

It still seems fake.

On a different note, the inspection for the home is set up for friday, the mortgage is all set...Next..Closing! We could be moved before the wedding they said.

I'm going to fucking kill everyone then myself.

Is it really my job to wake up, take care of the dogs, then go to work, come home, take care of the dogs, clean and then eat or whatever?

I got up and took penny out.
went to work and threw up in the parking lot.
left work and went to buy dinner.
came home, put dinner down and too penny out again (her bowl was left in her crate with her.)
while I'm outside, Rusty pulls dinner down and tears into my dinner rolls.
Patrick didn't do a god damned thing, just sat in his room. Could he seriously not hear rustling plastic bags? So I come in to part of my dinner on the fucking living room floor.

My house is a fucking mess. I can't see the counter, into the sink or the dining room table. There are dust bunnies and dog fur just floating around anywhere.

AM I REALLY THE GODDAMNED FUCKING MAID???? I swear to god, I'm going to kill Patrick and then I'm gonna give rusty to some hungry Koreans.

All i got for complaining and crying was a fucking hug and a "It'll be all right"

Yeah, that's why the laundry has been in the basement for a few days, not folded. And the dishwasher isn't unloaded and loaded. And there's a fucking pile of mail on table.

Someone save me. Sometimes, there's no place like home and I just wanna be home to relax but I come home and I just get so stressed.

Put in the offer and she accepted it! We has a house!

LOL, I'm living the "journey necklace".

first meeting
first date
first kiss
engagement
marriage
house
baby

all before I'm 25.

this day with hearts

Best day ever. Babe's birthday, also, we got approved for more than we expected on the mortgage and we're putting in the offer on the house we want tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG!!!!! SOOOooOOoO exciting! So, married in a month, house too, baby in a few months! I <3 my family in the making.

So sleepy...

I have been busy the past few days, working and this weekend is drill. Boo, but, at least the unit knows that I'm pregnant so they aren't expecting much from me. Boring but at the same time a weight off my shoulders.

Had to be at drill this morning for 5am. I had to wake up at 4. fun. I normally would just whine about it but wake up on the ride and be ready for the day but, I haven't slept regularly in weeks. So i'm exhausted right now but I can't go to sleep because i'll wake up too early and we don't have formation till 0800 tomorrow morning. That's sleeping in compared to this morning!

I don't even know what to write because my brain just is too tired to function.
Time for more TV before I'm allowed to sleep.

Meh

I don't know how I feel. I feel blank. I feel annoyed. I feel like people are trying to gloat in my face about stuff, or trying to get my angry on purpose in a way. Like trying to get a rise out of me or something. it's really annoying but watch that's the point. Who would do that though? I don't even know what to type and Family Guy is on so I'm gonna go watch that.

I took a shower and used my "in-shower" lotion. Its a good idea, I think, since stretch marks are hereditary, and my mom has many. But they say many things affect that, the amount of weight gained, how quickly weight is gained, the amount of exercise done to the area over time (Being in good health by being toned and whatnot)...etc. So, i've been active for ever and I still run...I use the lotion to keep my skin moisturized as well and I've been watching my weight! (the wedding dress helps keep me in line lol)I've learned that during pregnancy, the momma only has to take in an extra 300 calories a day (starting mid second to 3 trimester)and just needs to balance her meals throughout the day!

Also, my uterus is ... I don't know exactly how to explain. Leans against my spine, I guess is the simplest way to put it. What this means, is, when most women have period cramps, they are in the front and backaches aren't AS bad (doesn't mean that is always true) but in my case, I don't get cramps but I feel like someone is crushing, pulling, hitting me in the lower back...to the point that sometimes, I've cried. So, I think that being pregnant right now, with a uterus that does such, will mean that hopefully, I won't end up with a HUGE belly because so much will be near my backside. (This wont save me from contraction pain however, but will probable add extra back pain to labor.) I'm hoping in a way that, that is exactly what happens because a lack of a huge belly means less stretch marks bwahhahaha.

If I lay here

I'm just lounging in my bed, wondering what to do with myself. I slept on the floor last night because my back hurt so bad. It still hurts a bit.

I'm done with animals. I've said it before, I'll say it again. I'm so done. I wanna rehome the cat, I wanna rehome 2 out of 3 dogs...I don't want the turtle. I miss my bearded dragon... I keep trying to convince my mom though, to take the cat. *SIGH*

I'm still broke, I'm waiting for drill pay and Kays paycheck. Sadly, that's still not enough to pay the bills I couldn't pay last month, all the bills have doubled now...

The money thing has me so stressed, to the point of being sick.

I think i'm too poor to even play lottery numbers...

I just ate fajitas. I made them and they came out so good. I didn't have to work all day today which is nice and I don't have to work tomorrow. (Which is nice, I have to clean the bedroom)

I have a belly ache because I ate too much.

Im thinking of trying to sell Penny. She's practically impossible to crate train (she SCREAMSSSSSSSS like nothing i've ever heard before, I can hear her over the tv and two box fans on HIGH, when i'm upstairs!!) No one is helping me train her either. Patrick doesn't even "remember" to feed her. I think i'm gonna see if the neighbor will buy her off us. They already have a pug. They also have a Boston, and a Bug.

Ugh, what did I get myself into.

Had work today. It was ok. I felt like I never left. Ugh, I hate that.

So we're looking at buying a house, He's been approved for eligibility for a VA home loan. So all we need is the loan. If the house is nice in person, we'll probably get it. It's back in WW, and its near the families. It has a fenced yard and 4 bedrooms. So I can have a baby room, office, bedroom and Guest room! Sweet!


Felt kinda sick today. Ate too much too quick and it just wouldn't settle. Ken brought me dinner at work and it was so good. Chicken and garlic potatoes with corn on the cob. And he spoiled me, thats all I wanted but he also brought me chopped fruit with fruit dip and yodels. YUM. :) Loved it.

Now it's pumpkin time! SNUGGLESSS! <3

Figures

I knew it seemed too perfect. Drove down to the house we wanna see because it was listed as having an open house today and we get there and there's no one there. So I call the real estate agent and left him a voicemail and he calls back to tell me it was canceled at the last minute. Great. I'll be working tomorrow and Ken will be working the rest of the week so we have no real good time to go see the house. :( Soon I hope.

Ugh.

Feeling blah today. I don't remember the last time that I updated but I know it wasn't yesterday. Yesterday was my bridal shower and it was fun and cute. I got to meet some people I didn't know, and got to see ones I did and I got to tell them all I was pregnant! I got some good stuff. I got an orange kitchenaid stand mixer - awesome. I got an electric can opener, some kitchen items like, a cheese grater, cooking utensils, pot holders and towels. I also got some frames.

Today, I feel blank. I guess I feel aggravated, and a little sad. I may not be going on a honeymoon because we can't afford plane tickets, I couldn't make it 20 minutes in the car yesterday without nearly peeing on myself. (and I peed right before we left) So there will probably be no going to Florida because I can't handle the car ride.


Well, just made myself sad.